Enid: Thoughts on kinky power exchange in times of crisis.

Firstly, how are you doing? Bit weird this, isn’t it!?

We got back from Japan at the end of February, and it seems like the whole world has been turned upside down since then. We’ve got some posts we’d like to make about Japan, but I thought we should blog about general domestic kink stuff first. At the moment we are both working from home, because we are hugely privileged in being able to do this, and we are spending a lot of time together at home.

Despite wanting to write about our kinky life over the last month, we haven’t always felt very sexy. Like everyone else, we’ve been feeling a range of emotion including grief, anger, sadness, anxiety, numbness etc. Cadi has also been feeling a lot more exhausted than normal. As I mentioned in my last post, we’ve also had Covid-19 ourselves, albeit with mild symptoms.

Service & Protocol

Being home together has disrupted some of our routines and protocol, such as taking Cadi’s shoes off after a long day. There aren’t many opportunities to do that at the moment! I did clean and polish Cadi’s shoes when we got back from Japan, but that’s about it.

However, we have leaned into it in other ways. Perhaps surprisingly, the ageplay/MD/lg dynamic we’ve cultivated over the last two years or so has come to the fore. For example, Cadi has asked me to knock and ask for permission to enter her study while she is working. She’s also taken control of when I use the bathroom.

Yesterday I knew she was on a Skype call but I was busting to pee. I waited about 45 minutes but eventually braved knocking at the door, and mouthing, “Can I please go to the bathroom?” while she apologised to her colleague for the interruption. Afterwards she told me that it was really hot, and she particularly liked how embarrassed I seemed. I honestly wasn’t sure what she’d say, I thought she might say no to punish me for the interruption.

Although I enjoy watersports in the sense of me serving her, or her degrading me, we’ve never tried omorashi or panty wetting where I, as the sub, have wet myself. A couple of times this week Cadi has “helped” me urinate by taking me to the toilet and pressing my stomach, and coaxing me along. It was really sexy, even though I still don’t think I’m into ‘omo’ in general.

I’ve been working in our dining room (we are very privileged to have two decent work spaces in our home) and Cadi has been calling that my “home-school” station. She’s been showing a healthy interest in my work and goals for the day. We’ve also been leaning into this dynamic on our state-sanctioned walks, for example spotting different types of blossom. This reminds us to be mindful and pay attention while walking, and not just whizz around the park.

I’ve tried to get in the habit of wearing my collar every day. However, I don’t like wearing it when I am anxious as I am afraid it will obstruct my breathing! So it is always off and then on and then off and then on…

As usual, I have been cooking as an act of service. I’ve been trying to cook food that is simple and wholesome, like making a cauldron of dal, but also try some more adventurous things. Last week I ordered sashimi grade tuna from our fishmonger and made tuna nigiri and cucumber rolls. It is my job to keep on top of what food needs to be used and what food we already have, to minimise waste. I always ask Cadi what she wants to eat first and, if she doesn’t have anything in mind, I present her with some options from what I know it would be sensible to eat. My friend who is a senior civil servant in Westminister jokingly calls this my “Ministerial briefing” (as she says Cadi is the Minister in our relationship!)

Interestingly, I read this excellent post about D/s vs FLR this week and it made me think about this! Control isn’t always Cadi telling me what to cook, control is also her having the luxury to not even think about it! The blog is brilliant, but centres heterosexual relationships (which is fair enough!!) so some of it doesn’t quite fit here, I don’t know anything about the “philosophical split” between FLR and D/s.

Overall, I feel like our D/s or power exchange dynamic has made the lockdown easier as it has provided us with routine, distraction, purpose and focus. It provides all our interactions with extra charge and meaning.

Before this experience, if someone had told me that I would have been able to work from home alongside Cadi for a whole month (bearing in mind that until about one year ago, Cadi travelled for work for up to half of the year) I would have been ecstatic, and would have wanted to explore a lot of heavier power exchange ideas. I would have suggested day-time scenes and ideas like human furniture play while working, total domestic service, protocols around clothing etc. I always felt it was just time preventing us from achieving this.

However, the reality of this situation is that I have felt resistant to engaging in time consuming acts of service in the day. I’ve just got a lot to do! I think this resistance stems from gnarly patterns in our relationship, which we have tried to resolve, about the way her career path was previously prioritised over mine. The thought of being used as a human footstool makes me drool (and gets me really wet), but in reality I can’t be doing it while I’m also trying to get my job done! Unfortunately, it remains a strictly evenings and weekends only experience!

Additionally, I don’t want to fall into the trap of putting pressure on us to make the Coronavirus pandemic an “opportunity to be more productive” in the kinky sense. It’s a fucking pandemic. We are both very hard workers and love being productive. We both love learning new skills or working on a new project. However, I don’t want to chastise myself for not perfecting Total Power Exchange when I’m also working, adjusting to this new situation, providing support to my family, being a good friend, etc.

I think Cadi has also experienced a measure of decision fatigue, and she has been struggling to concentrate. There’s just so much information to take in, and so many things to think about. I don’t want to add to that by asking her to think about what underwear I’m wearing! She has been looking after herself by avoiding the news during the day, and engaging in tactile hobbies in the evening like knitting and rope tying (more on this in a moment…) I know she enjoys power exchange and finds it fulfilling, but I don’t want to add too much to her plate! I can choose my own knickers, but she can pull my skirt up and check which ones they are whenever she wants 🙂

Who knows, we might still explore some of these ideas of the coming weeks and months. With the Easter bank holiday coming up, we might find that we both relax and fancy a whole day, or couple of days, of TPE. That is why Cadi took me away for my birthday last year, after all.

Cadi has reminded me to mention that she has been casually spitting in my mouth and slapping my face when she walks past my work station. Although it can break my concentration a bit when she does it in the middle of the day, I really like it because it asserts her dominance over me. Sometimes it feels really degrading, other times it feels really loving.

I’ve always found marking sexy, even though I rarely bruise. The fantasy of being kept inside, like a treasured possession, is alluring. It’s tempting to use the lack of social engagements to lean into this and ask Cadi to give me some highly visible and socially unacceptable marks. I asked Cadi if she would consider bruising my face, something I’ve fantasised about for years. She said no and that it was a hard limit for her, which is completely fair enough! Instead, I think she’s going to mark my tits this weekend.

More than any of these kinky thoughts, I am just really grateful that we really like each other’s company and it’s really not a chore to spend time with each other! I could easily spend all day every day with her!

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