The Mama/little girl element of our relationship is definitely a sexual thing. That is evident when she’s fucking me hard while cooing, “Let Mama take it.” It’s evident when I ask for permission to come, and I am told that I’m too little to know what that is, how I just need to lie there and be good.
But recently I’ve been thinking about how this dynamic can be soft, and can offer both of us a different and valuable perspective on life.
I’ve long chafed at the idea of being “little”, in the stereotypical way, for many reasons. I recently read this fantastic blog by Tessa at The Queer Earthling, about the different ways to explore that dynamic and what it means for her and her spouse. It made me laugh to read her describing the pervasive aesthetics of little-ness, I’ve noticed (and felt alienated by…) some of the same trends (especially the proliferation of beige food!!)
Despite this feeling of alienation, I find that bringing that facet of my personality out is really valuable. It gives us both an opportunity to slow down, to be mindful, and to be appreciative of the small things. It comes to life when I bring an interesting rock home or make Cadi stop on our walk to look up at the sky. It comes to life when I get excited about sharing a special treat like a hot chocolate in the evening. There’s a lot to be said for trying to re-capture the sense of seeing the world through the eyes of a child.
As I’ve said in a few blog posts now, Cadi is a serious person. She works very hard and sometimes finds it difficult to switch off when she gets home. When we explore this dynamic, it reminds her that it’s okay to take a break and focus on one thing at a time. For example, we often end the day by lighting the pink unicorn fairy lights around our bed, setting my favourite soft toys on the bed, and completing a crossword puzzle.
This year she bought me a Disney Princess advent calendar which has been full of tiny bottles of bubble bath and packets of bath salts. Even though I know she bought it in the sales last Christmas (I was there!), every day has felt like an event as she has sat me down and made me peel back each door slowly, made me examine my treat, show it to her, and say thank you properly. I’ve appreciated it much more.
It also gives Cadi the opportunity to be goofy and silly. It’s hard to pin-point examples that don’t seem totally random but we often play “hide and seek” in the house, and she’s always doing stupid voices to make me laugh. She makes up little songs to make me laugh, and when I laugh at jokes on the radio she teases me about my “silly baby humour.” When she comes home from work, she often shouts, “Where’s my baby?!” around the house, even when she can tell which room I’m in.
Cadi can be defensive and bristly, quick to assume that people are laughing at her in a malicious way. This has sometimes led with conflict to us, as I can get carried away with wanting to make the best joke and be the centre of attention. When we’re being Mama & little girl at home, Cadi feels more able to joke around and make herself the butt of the joke. Last night she was doing a really cute little dance, and I was laughing and shouting encouragement to “Dance, Mama! Do your funny dance!”
When she can, she takes me out on adventures to see the dinosaurs at the museum or watch people skating on the ice-rink (that was tonight!). When we get home, she likes to cuddle me up and ask me to list all the places we’ve been and all the things we’ve seen. She tests me on what I’ve learnt.
When we have adventures, she often takes care to make sure that I look “neat and tidy” before we leave the house so that I don’t bring shame on her and our little family of two (I don’t know how I didn’t realise that I loved the Mama/girl dynamic when I literally took her name when we got married because it made me horny.) Recently, as I got to a pub quiz with my friends, she text me “Do me proud.” I love this, I love her mentoring me and making me feel that I’m meeting the standard that she’s set for her girl.
Cadi tells me that playing around like this makes her feel less self-conscious, more relaxed, and like she can take herself less seriously.
There is a lot of very significant history behind this dynamic, many serious and powerful things can be said about mentoring and Houses, and what it means to be a queer person and crave that sort of nurturing and parenting in both sexual and non-sexual contexts. I might come back to some of those thoughts!
I guess that this might sound like a vanilla dynamic, two people just being silly and having fun. But there is definitely a degree of power exchange. Less so than when she is being my Mistress, ordering me to take her boots off for her, but it is present.
It’s a primordial, fundamental power dynamic. It’s about the strong taking care of the weak. There’s a contract, I will stay adorable and needy and innocent, loving her unconditionally. I will follow her leadership and meet her standards. In exchange she will take on the responsibility of keeping me safe, for meeting my needs and spoiling me too.
I felt drawn to writing about this now because, as I wrote last year, I find Christmas quite challenging. One of those reasons is that I have a difficult family. Last year I was quite general and euphemistic when I was blogging about Christmas, but this year I feel confident enough to say that to me, Christmas is synonymous with door slamming, screaming, and then the inevitable crying. To be honest, I would rather have Christmas in our home. However, that’s just not an option for me. Cadi also needs to go home for at least a few days this Christmas, to welcome home a family member who has been travelling.
This year, we’ve decided to have a Mama and girl Christmas on the 21st December. I think Cadi is intending to wake me up with a Christmas stocking and spoil me with silly presents. I’m looking forward to staying in my PJs all day, showering Cadi with love and cuddles. I also want to spend some time making a proper Christmas lunch for my Dominant, and I’ve already started my food prep! I really want to turn our phones off and spend time playing some board games and watching some of our favourite Studio Ghibli films. I’m so excited for the Christmas that I have always dreamed of.
Having our own Christmas builds a bubble away from the stress of Christmas with my family, allowing me to have more resilience when I do go home. And yes, plenty of vanilla couples might have their own “fake Christmas,” but to me the power exchange elements adds something really special and nourishing. There’s an element of having a second bite at the cherry, a second opportunity to remake some of those memories.