On the last night of our holiday, we went to a private party for women and non-binary people. Our invitation instructed us to wear street clothes and change at the venue. This fostered a lovely sense of camaraderie as we stripped off sensible clothes and dressed up in our finery in a cramped space, surrounded by very sexy pictures of queer people on the walls. We were particularly happy to see some beautiful pictures of fat femmes on the wall. We both wore black lacy bodies, I wore fishnets and Enid wore her leather harness and suspenders. The party had a strict no cameras rule, but Enid has recreated her outfit for us in the picture above! In Berlin, the stereotype is that people don’t dress up as much us in the UK for a night out, and it’s true that there were very few people in high heels, (which suited us fine!). But everyone looked amazing! There was the full gamut of butch – femme, with lots of black, lace, leather and skin on show.
The party was held in a private club outside the city centre, which was very well equipped for an evening of dancing, flirting and fucking. It was very different from other clubs that we’ve visited, such as Paddles in NYC or Insomnia in Berlin, as the décor was very light and bright and femme. There was even a ball pit! Enid was really fascinated with the TV in the main dancing room, which was broadcasting the action from one of the dark rooms. She really wanted to play in there. However, that room was later earmarked for women wanting to participate in an art project. Before the party started, there were two workshops – one on consent and one on erotic hypnosis and connecting with your deeper self. We both chose to go to the consent workshop, and it was such a wonderful start to our evening.
The workshop was based around on the Wheel of Consent. I’ve read lots about the importance of consent, especially from a feminist and kinky standpoint, but I’d never heard of the Wheel of Consent before. It’s a tool developed by sexologist and intimacy coach Betty Martin. There is a lot more information available on her website, which I highly recommend checking out!
Our facilitator Helen started with some warm up exercises which were very similar to theatre games I have used at work. We walked around our space, looking at the floor and focusing on feeling grounded, sensual and powerful in our bodies. We were asked to move like a goddess or god. Enid said afterwards that she found that really interesting as she had been expecting to present as a submissive for the evening, but that she appreciated embracing the idea that submission shouldn’t feel weak or lacking in confidence. Helen then asked us to make eye contact with the people we passed. I found it really sexy to see Enid look so assured and beautiful in a room full of beautiful people. I also liked how Helen acknowledged that we might be feeling nervous or exposed, but that we could feel powerful alongside those feelings. She also complimented our outfits and acknowledged the effort and thought we had put into getting ready for the party. It’s easy to fall into the trap that feeling sexy should feel effortless, especially in such a sexy environment, but I liked how she affirmed our beauty and the labour that it can take to feel beautiful and look good.
The main body of the workshop was the three minute game based on the Wheel of Consent. Helen asked us to get into pairs. Enid and I paired up and the rest of the group seemed a mix between people who paired with someone they had come with and people who were strangers. Helen asked us not to touch each other outside of the tasks, but to maintain as much eye contact as possible. We definitely found not touching each other very difficult! But I’m glad we took it seriously, because it felt really special to be so mindful and specific about our touches, especially after the free-for-all that was the cuddle party earlier in the week.
The Wheel of Consent concentrates on who is doing and who the touch is for in any physical interaction. These two factors combine in four ways to make up the four quadrants of the wheel – Serving, Taking, Allowing and Accepting. Helen led us in the ‘three minute game’ where each partner took a turn in each quadrant. The game let us focus on the differences between who was initiating the action, who the pleasure was primarily for and who was carrying out the action. There was so much freedom to be found in relaxing into Enid stroking and caressing my legs in my fishnets when it was clearly stated that Enid has asked for it and I had allowed it. I didn’t feel the need to performatively show her how good it felt, because it had already been stated that it was for her pleasure. I also didn’t need to worry about being passive, because I had my opportunity to state my boundaries. Similarly, when I asked to spend three minutes touching Enid’s neck and hair and she allowed me to, I was able to really enjoy the pleasure of touching her, knowing not just that she had consented to the touch, but that she had consented to me touching her in a way that was focused on my pleasure.
The whole workshop felt sensual and exciting, but with a formal structure that we would normally only create in a planned D/s scene. We are so comfortable with each other, and often pressed for time as two people with full-time jobs and busy social lives, that I’m sure we make assumptions about what the other desires or experiences as a shortcut to trying to have as much time and space for sex and play as possible. The Wheel of Consent workshop showed me another way for us to be with each other, a more thoughtful and present way of connecting that allowed for playfulness and discovery too. I’m excited to try the exercises again now we are home and have our toys to play with.
The rest of the evening was spent dancing and fucking and admiring the glorious freedom of the women who stripped and danced without a break into the small hours, covered in UV body paint.
There were many glorious moments, but perhaps the most wonderful deserves fully documenting. Enid was riding my strap, as I lay back on a massive bed next to three women fucking, licking and stroking each other. Music from the dancefloor next door was thumping through the walls. Then the DJ played a remix of You Make Me Feel Mighty Real by Sylvester. One of the girls next to us stopped what she was doing to sing along, and Enid joined her. I met eyes with her playmates and we laughed together, full of joy in each other’s company, celebrating our queer sexuality in a space made by and for us.
It was, without doubt, one of the sexiest and queerest nights of my life and I will treasure the memories for a long time.