CN: Brief mention of sexual violence.
Since 2012 I’ve suffered with severe pompholyx eczema. It’s a more uncommon type of eczema which is characterised by small deep set blisters on the hands and feet which are intensely hot, itchy and painful. They eventually dry out and crack, leaving the skin open to infection. The main trigger is humid weather but hot, layered clothes can start it off. Because it’s on the hands and feet it can make it really difficult to do normal things like go to work, keep your house clean and see your friends.
I’m currently two weeks into a bad outbreak and it’s really affecting my confidence and my sex life.
My skin is intensely sensitive and the thought of Cadi touching, and potentially tickling, my skin is a horrible. This is partly because my skin is sore and very itchy, but I also find that the cracks and fissures in my skin make me feel psychologically vulnerable. I’m stripped raw, and I want to protect myself. I want to build walls around myself, both psychologically and literally.
The blisters, redness and dry skin are unsightly enough, but I also find the smell of the creams unappealing. I wish I had a kink for medical or intense age play, but it just makes me feel unglamorous, unwomanly and unsexy. Additionally, I have to apply the creams so often that I can’t help leaving tacky, greasy streaks everywhere. I’m usually quite fastidious about grooming, and I find this really distressing. Everything I touch feels dirty, I never quite feel clean.
I can’t sleep through the night. Every movement I make has to be planned, and I’m keenly aware that I have less stamina than usual. I’m easily agitated and I find it hard to concentrate.
As a survivor of sexual violence, I find it very difficult to cope with my body being out of control. I wake up and new patches of redness and blisters have appeared on my body without my consent.
All in all, I mostly want to be left alone right now. I don’t even want to have a corporeal form.
HOWEVER, last Sunday we both had a whole day to ourselves and wanted to do some low-key bondage practice.
We got out Two Knotty Boys: Back On The Ropes but didn’t really reference it too much, Cadi mainly improvised.
At first she tied my wrists together behind my back but I wasn’t ready for giving up quite so much control. In fact, when she tried to support me to lie down on the bed I panicked and twisted out of her grasp. I fell spectacularly across the bedside cabinet, scattering the contents of my jewellery box across the floor.
Luckily, it was all up from there. She took it off and tried again. This time, she went for a double coin knot harness with ties at my armpits, elbows and wrists. I still had my hands free so I could be a little bit mobile.
I felt really sexy in this, and especially loved the way it made my back and ass look:
When she was happy with the ropes she put me on my stomach with my feet over the side of the bed so the eczema around my ankles wasn’t agitated by the bedsheets. She did some wizardry with the ropes between my legs, twisting it up so tight that she could poke a vibrator through the ropes. It held the vibe so that she could poke the first inch or two into me, teasing and not quite satisfying.
She played with me for quite a while, using the ropes to manipulate my body and calling me her little toy, and her little puppet. I was really relaxed at this point, and it was a blessed relief from worrying about my skin (or work.)
Because I was such a good little puppet, she took the vibe out and replaced it with a bigger, deeper toy and put the vibrator on my clit instead. That’s sometimes a recipe for my clit becoming overstimulated and numb, but this time I came really, really hard.
I got Cadi off with my mouth and then we lay there just enjoying being present with each other, it was the perfect Sunday activity. Then I managed to rouse myself enough to make us a Vietnamese beef salad and chocolate ice cream in a cone. Heaven.