Recently body dysmorphia and disordered eating habits are kicking my arse. There have been a couple of triggers over the last months, and spending a week with my mum has made things more difficult. My mum is great, but she hasn’t dealt with her internalised fatphobia (or misogyny) and it makes spending extended periods of time with her difficult for me. Over the years, Cadi and I have made our home a safe space for me to enjoy cooking and eating, so I think I just need to readjust.
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK, and the 2019 theme is body image. My employer asked me to speak to my colleagues about my experiences and I turned them down because I fear the long-term repercussions of that. It’s nice to have a blog space where I can jot things down. Even though things seem difficult right now, I think fat activism has changed me so much for the better. One day soon I’ll post some fat activism resources here! There is a lot of really amazing work being done in this area.
Cadi and I haven’t had much time for sex lately, but on Sunday afternoon we did fuck in the middle of the day and in then in the evening. Cadi said she was feeling in the mood to throw me down and take me, She tried to, but I was experiencing intrusive thoughts about my body and my femininity (having small boobs, long labia, my posture etc) so I asked her to take a break. I spent a while touching and kissing her, and fucking her, which I loved. Then she beat me with my heavy spanking loop until I felt nice and fuzzy and under. She fisted me until I came twice, and kept me extremely present by alternating kisses and slaps to my face. Afterwards, she cuddled me a lot and called me beautiful and thanked me for letting her do that to me. It was lovely.
I’m usually pretty good at curating my social media feeds so that they’re full of interesting, creative people that inspire me to try new things. However I’ve not felt like going on our blog Twitter and I’ve muted a few kinky people on Instagram because I’ve been feeling really insecure about being a submissive. I feel like there are so many prettier, more flexible, stronger, more dedicated submissives than me.
This spilled over a bit on Saturday when I was cooking. I’ve barely seen Cadi recently so I wanted to cook a special meal. I decided on doing some Colombian arepas with about eight other elements! When I burnt one element I had a full on panic attack in the kitchen, fearing that Cadi would feel let down by me. She was actually really helpful, and made me talk her through the cooking process so I could get out of the anxiety loop and finish the meal.
Some other thoughts about sex:
- Next week Cadi and I are on holiday together. We usually do foodie, cultural city breaks but this time we’re in a hotel with a pool! I absolutely can’t wait for sunburnt skin, everything smelling like coconut, and lazy sex on fresh hotel sheets.
- I’ve become obsessed with Killing Eve, I know, I’m late. The soundtrack is absolutely banging and it’s definitely my next sex playlist. It’s also made me want to have proper primal, grappling sex.
- Two weeks ago we did a pretty cute, and taboo, ageplay scene. I went to bed in the guest bedroom, and Cadi tucked me in and made me all cosy in there. Then she settled into our bed in the room next door and started watching a porn scene. After a little while I ‘woke up’ and went into ‘her room’ to see what she was doing and what the noise was. She told me to go back to bed because she was watching a grown up film, but gave me a special treat in letting me stay up and watch it with her.