Happy Mother’s Day, Cadi! (An Exploration in Mommy Kink.)

So today is Mothering Sunday in the UK, and it seemed like a convenient time to talk about our recent experimentation with mommy kink.

I would love to say that, like watersports, it’s something I’d always been interested in.

If I try and look back and find some signs of a hidden passion for Mommies, I can only find a couple of things that fit the pattern. I used to thrive on spending time with my mum’s friends. I had a few older women teachers that made me feel like I was shining from the inside when they paid me any attention. I think this was more about me knowing I was queer (and #femmeforfemme) very early on, as well as being both an academic high-achiever and an only child.

However, I’ve only ever dated people the same age as me. I don’t fancy any of the older women that are popular in the dyke community (Sorry Cate. Sorry Gillian.) Until last year, I had never even thought of calling anyone Mommy in bed.

As I’ve mentioned before, Cadi and I have been exploring a D/s dynamic since our late teens. For pretty much all of that, she’s been my Mistress and I’ve been her sub. Before Cadi, I’d fantasised about calling another woman Mistress for a long time. I was ecstatic when she said she also liked that title. We’ve always enjoyed building rules and protocol into our relationship.

Despite this, when I look back at our 12 years together, I can find lots of examples of times where we’ve unwittingly played with a Mommy/girl dynamic.

Firstly, Cadi has a real kink for inexperience. I’ve ‘lost my virginity’ so many times, you don’t even know. I’ve been everything from a prudish teenager learning from my slutty best friend, to a Victorian chambermaid both thrilled and terrified by my employer’s sexual advances.

Secondly, I’m a bit of a baby at heart. I love pink, 90s toys and anything with a cute unicorn print on it. So much so that when I left my old job, I received a full unicorn themed stationery set. Animated films, illustrated books and childrens’ theatre all enchant me. Cadi often lets me watch kids films as a treat, or buys me childish gifts like soft toys.

Another vanilla example is how Cadi always squeezes my hand when we’re about to cross a road, reminding me to look both ways and be careful of tripping. Since we’ve lived together, we’ve played this dorky little game in the supermarket where I add things to the trolley and hide down different aisles etc. I love it when Cadi catches up with me, chastises me, and makes me hold on to the trolley ‘nicely.’ All of this started years before I’d even heard of this sort of relationship dynamic.

Cadi is a very nurturing Domme. Aftercare has always been one of her specialities, and she loves to structure scenes around helping me to learn and reach new goals. I love feeling like I’m striving to attain something to make her proud and happy.

We play a lot with orgasm control and orgasm denial, and Cadi often frames it as being “for [my] own good,” and “something [she] needs to do to protect [me] from scary feelings.” I find this super fucking hot, and this reminds me that I really need to write about erotic gaslighting.

I listened to the Mommies episode of Why Are People Into That? and really enjoyed the discussion between TheGayChingy and Tina Horn. I was nodding my head in agreement during the segment where they discussed why Mommies are much more taboo than Daddies. I completely agree that it has a lot to do with internalised misogyny, and that mothers are under far more pressure than fathers.

When women become mothers, they are assumed to have lost their personality, identity and sexual desires. When men become fathers they retain all that, and fatherhood is merely an add-on. As two women, it feels powerful to resist this idea and eroticise something that is otherwise reduced and flattened.

Similarly, society is punishing towards women who perform motherhood and/or femininity in ways that are perceived as ‘wrong.’ It’s Lady Macbeth syndrome. The idea of a woman taking on the role of Mother but also having a rapacious sexual appetite is threatening to the way the patriarchy thinks about women and motherhood. That is very sexy to me.

I was also both inspired and uplifted by the personal reflections of writer and leatherdyke Victoria (The DollyRose) on her Instagram.

She writes about her relationship with her Mommy, and I loved reading it. The hyper-feminine, curvy, “abundant” Mommy/Mama really resonated with me, as did the idea of a Mommy/Mama who teaches and guides. The image of her Mommy making sure her socks are even really stuck in my head. I love the care and attention in that image. She has also posted a beautiful gallery of women that give her powerful Mommy vibes.

Cadi and I first discussed wanting to try out a Mommy/little girl dynamic after I read some erotica that got me hot. Then, while Cadi was working away from home she sent me hot Mommy Domme porn to edge to, and wrote me a story about her having both me and a male submissive. In this story she was both nurturing and sadistic, playing us off against each other and making us work for her attention.

My trusty sex journal tells me that at the very beginning of 2018 we had a scene where she wound me up a lot and then fisted me. I’m usually pretty vocal and like to move a lot when I’m getting fucked, but this time she experimented with correcting my behaviour as she fucked me. She told me to be a “good girl.” I wasn’t allowed to swear, make funny faces or move my hips in “vulgar” ways. She helped me concentrate on staying quiet and good and sweet for her as she fucked me. From my account of it, it sounds as though we really enjoyed ourselves.

I also remember fucking in our garden last summer. It was a gorgeous day and we took blankets out to the lawn, and I took my sticker collection out with us. I fucked her while she sat in my lap, legs around my waist. While I was fucking her, I earnestly explained which stickers I liked best, which ones were rarer than the others. It was the juxtaposition between the innocent and the sexual that got us both off.

Incidentally, Cadi has now invested in a wholesale, bulk order of my chosen stickers. These are a kind of crypto-currency in our house, with much enjoyment to be had from how much I’ll debase myself for a small piece of paper with a picture on one side and glue on the other.

That time on the lawn was also the first time that I referred to myself as her little girl. Despite this, it’s not really an age thing for me. For me, being a little girl is purely an overt declaration that as she is my Dominant and I am her submissive, I am here to learn from her and to follow her.

As someone who is primarily attracted to femmes, I am really turned on by the idea of her coaching me to womanhood, and coaxing me to be a lady. I love plaiting her long hair and helping her choose what perfume to wear, it makes me fall in love with both her and the whole concept of femininity every time. I love showing my devotion to her, and my worship of her soft, abundant body.

Cadi isn’t always a nurturing Mama. Sometimes she’s downright mean. Mothers are supposed to be caregivers before all else, and so a sadistic Mama seems to be the ultimate subversion of expected roles.

Since then, it’s become a large part of what we do. Mommy sounds incongruous in my British mouth, and I sometimes call my actual mum mummy. I prefer Mama for Cadi, or Maman if I’m teasing her!

It still surprises me that Cadi likes it so much. But then, it shouldn’t really. She gets a real kick out of nurturing, guiding and protecting me, whether she’s being Cadi the Mama, Cadi the Mistress or Cadi my wife.

I love feeling safe and loved when she gives me snacks on my special cute plate or reads me a bit of The Moomins while I fall asleep. This morning I had No Mercy by Patrick Califia delivered and Cadi took it off me and read the blurb for ‘suitability’, before she handed it back to me.

I love being able to take more pain and being able to control my orgasms better. I even love the more mundane stuff like remembering to feed myself well when she’s away with work. I loved the section of the podcast where Chingy and Tina talked about this, it made me feel so warm and fuzzy! It also really tickled me to note that Chingy’s partner is a Virgo, just like Cadi.

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I really enjoy this excellent meme by the perceptive and hilarious Instagram account, @Notallgeminis. They have not endorsed this post! But they are really funny and you should follow them immediately.

Although I’m sure that some people would say that we were debasing the sacred tradition of Mothering Sunday, I think it’s good to take an opportunity to say thank you to Cadi.

Thank you for everything you do for me, Mama.

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